When I’m around midwives at parties, workshops and conferences, I listen. Here’s what they’re saying about you.
1. Girl, poop is not even a thing.
Everyone’s worried about pooping, and it happens. It’s still poop, but it’s so common that it loses a lot of its shock value in birth. Yeah, it’s preferable that there’s no poop, but the midwives aren’t talking about your poop afterward. It would be like if they said to each other, “I was at this birth and the girl had, like, blood run all down her leg.” <crickets> No one cares. In fact, when a non-birth worker asked once what happens in the case of poop during waterbirth, they all jumped up and gleefully announced over each other “A little fish net!!! Scoop it out!!” with wild gesturing.
2. Pubic hair or not or whatever, but at least trim it.
After just a few months on the job they have seen it all as far as your vadazzling and landing strips and bush and super laser job goes. They don’t care what you got going on down there, but if there’s hair it would be real nice if you would trim up a bit in anticipation of birth. Your midwife or her assistant have the job of cleaning you up post-delivery, and blood clots stick. They’re not going to painstakingly comb out gobs of afterbirth from your pubic hair. You will get a trim in the name of cleanliness and efficiency.
3. If you are over 40 weeks, please for the love of all that is holy do something about it.
So even when you work with a group of on-call midwives, they know whose time is creeping up. And if you’re 41 weeks and the weekend is coming and they’re on call, they are thinking: How about today? Plus, they don’t want you to go too long and end up ‘high risk.’ They’re generally a lot more patient than your typical OB, but they know you will “go any minute” and when those minutes last 2 weeks, it’s exhausting for them, too. So if you’re looking like you’re going to go past 40 weeks, they’d appreciate it if you’d do some squats, eat some spicy buffalo wings, have some unprotected sex, maybe get an acupuncture appointment, induce labor and have that baby already. Your lackadaisical attitude about it is giving them hives.
4. They’re tired. Really tired.
In a lot of places, the midwives are overworked. Seriously overworked. They’re on call numerous days a week, have appointments to attend to in the day time, and get poor or no sleep because they’re always anticipating a call. They can’t go away or relax or start or plan anything because what if someone goes into labor tonight. It’s like being a medical student your whole life long; bad hours, poor pay. Birth centers all over have difficult or harrowing schedules midwives have to keep. In many, many places the midwife turnover is very high. It’s like teaching 8th grade in the inner city. So while they do want to be there for you, it would be mighty nice if you would have a doula and stay home/ be OK on your own as long as possible. If they suggest breaking your water or going on a walk up and down the stairs to move things along, it might be in the best interest of both of you.
5. Midwives are not there to save you.
They love you, really they do. They want what’s best for you, but they’re not your Mama. You need to prepare for you birth, know what to expect, have support people, and understand what your options are as far as procedures and comfort measures. A good midwife will help you remember and implement all that during birth, but they don’t have time to listen to you whine and complain at them. If you want to whine and complain through labor, get a doula who is cool with that. If you want to be empowered to birth your baby on your own terms, educate yourself and know you can do it.
6. It’s a wonderful job when it’s wonderful, and they’re sentimental about it.
Catching babies is special. Anything special can loose it’s glow after you do it ten times a month and every Tuesday at 3:28 am for a few years. But when pressed, when they pause to consider it, midwives still believe in women and they do reflect on the honor it is to be there for you. Remember to thank them; they’ll remember to be thankful.
IT’S NICE TO SHARE:
